Why It Angers Me When My Friends Tell Me to Get in Line

Get in Line? Start a Business!

Your friend wants to start their own business. Of course, you’re excited and probe them with questions. “What do you want to do?” “Are you going to open a bar where I can drink?” “A restaurant where I can eat and drink?” “A shop?” “Oh, you’ve always been good with hair and nails. Are you going to open a beauty salon? I have a hangnail.” “Or, I get it, you totally remodeled your house with beige walls and granite countertops like no one else ever. You’re going to flip houses, huh? No one else can do beige like you”

You rattle off a dozen things you could see your friend being successful doing, but none confirm your brilliant prescience. So, finally, you say, “What are you going to do?!” They proceed to tell you that they’re going to start a blog. “A blog?!”, you ask. “What on earth are you going to blog about?!” A blog’s a diary, right? I mean, who’s that guy who posted funny shit his dad said?” That show didn’t last.

Then the critical questions flow. “What do you know about blogging?” “Do you know enough about anything?” “I mean, let’s face it, your best skill is lying on the couch binge watching British comedies on Netflix. And, clearly, you’re not funny if you think British comedy is funny. So, you couldn’t even blog about being funny.”

Get in Line. Get in a Cubicle.

Your friend proceeds to tell you they already wrote a book. They want to self-publish it, but that really means they paid a few thousand dollars to put the book they wrote into hardcopy. So, it looks and feels a lot like a book. You know, one of those things you may have seen in those places called a library back before anything worth knowing was on the Internet. “Zac Efron’s 28?!”

As they tell you, however, writing a book is the easy part. Yes, 81 percent of Americans say they want to write a book, but no one does it. Everyone wants to lose weight and save money, too. That’s what New Years Eve is for, I mean. “You’re ridiculous. Get in line and stop trying to do something. Have a baby like everyone else. Or, if that doesn’t work, get cats. Don’t forget to like all the baby pictures and cat pictures of babies and cats doing the same thing babies and cats have been doing for 50,000 years now. My cat videos are the funniest!”

OK, great, they wrote a book. Give me a signed copy, let’s do a shot and get back to reality. But, “No”, they say. They want more. While you thought the book was the end, they say the book is the beginning and they want to do more. They want to use this book of theirs, possibly their opus (probably not), to build a business. They want to write more books and be a public speaker and spread their message and do things and go places they’re not told by an “employer” to do and go. Why can’t they get in line?

This is where that damn blog comes into play! They have this book and now want to build this blog to not only sell their books, their public speaking and their message to those who want and need to hear and read it. They want to spread their message like they’re Jehovah Witnesses, but rather than knock on doors while people hide behind couches, they want to build a place for people to knock on their door and hear and read what they have to say.

You Have to Be Social on Social Media?

They have more to say and more to do. They tell you how they’ll use their Facebook account to spread their message about what they’re doing. Damn it all to hell! They want to litter your Facebook wall usually full of cute kittens and ignorant political rants to share their story of building their virtual business and get their friends and family to support them. Oh my god, get in line! They’ll want you to like and share their shit. They’ll want you to be a supportive friend, like, in public where people can see it.

What the what!? Facebook is meant for gossip and making long lost high school acquaintances think you’re doing better than you are. ‘Why, yes, this 15 year old picture of me looks exactly how I look today.”

Why must your little entrepreneurial friend post his goals and ambitions? You have pictures of five-star dinners you can’t afford to eat but post on Facebook followed by rants how it’s impossible to lose weight over the holidays. Or, when was the last time you took a selfie? I mean, a really good selfie? Selfie! Selfie! Me!! Get in line, take a selfie and I’ll give that shit a thumbs up.

Time to Block This Bitch on Facebook

It’s tough, but it’s time to unfollow this self-employment rogue or, at the very least, hide their posts. Don’t they know you have a cubicle to get to tomorrow? You can’t like and share their self-motivated goals and ambitions. Someone might see it and, god forbid, someone might ask about it. You can’t attend their local events or relish in their national syndication or, hey, even ask how all their hard work is paying off. Really, if you ask them how things are going, they’ll tell you and then who will helicopter your kids while you half-ass pay attention to your motivated friend’s trials and tribulations of doing something no one else you know is doing? Sheesh, work 9 to 5, be almost broke, pump out kids and sleep on the weekends like the rest of us. What part of get in line don’t they understand?

If you show enough disinterest, maybe they’ll just get in line and punch the clock again and get wrapped up in a 38 year old SciFi fantasy like the rest of us. Come on, just get in line.

Is the awesome life you always dreamed of
still somewhere over the rainbow?

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