9 Gay Gift Ideas for the Not-So-New Newlyweds

The Gay Wedding Gift Quandry

Are you looking for that perfect gay wedding gift for that couple who’s been together forever or already has everything there is to have? Here are nine of our favorite gay gift ideas.

Gay marriage has been legal in the U.S., to some extent, since 2004. We all watched in anticipation (or fear) as equality migrated across the country and became the law of the land last June. We were guaranteed by reputable sources of all stripes that the end was nigh. Armageddon was here!

So far, the worst that’s come out of gay marriage is an affirmation that I don’t want pizza at my unicorn themed wedding reception. None of the end-of-the-world demises we were promised came true. What we weren’t warned about was the calamitous predicament of buying a wedding gift for a gay or lesbian couple who’s been together more than the sum total of Kim Davis’ marriages.

Traditionally (yes, not the best word), marriage gifts are given to young, budding couples starting their lives together. The youthful couple will soon enter their new 4-bedroom / 2.5 bathroom beige home with their 1.3 kids. Unless their friends and family are soulless, they’ll buy the newlyweds all the garlic peelers, salad spinners and 700-count bed sheets tagged with the betrothed’s Bed Bath & Beyond shopping gun.

Many couples are now getting married who have been together for more years than Taylor Swift has songs about ex-boyfriends. Some couples have grown children as old as T-Swift. If you’re one such couple, like us (we’ve been domesticated since 2011), what gifts do you ask for to celebrate your not-so-new-life-together?

Here’s our list of nine (the number of universal love) gay wedding gift ideas to make those young newlyweds wish they weren’t so new.

1. Travel

It’s cliché, but true. Gays get around. Why not? We’re the original DINKs and can’t take all that disposable income to the grave. Fuel your need to leave rainbow-colored track marks around the globe. Every airline sells gift certificates and many even offer travel registries.

This tool makes it super easy to save for gay wedding gifts and gay travel.

2. Couple’s Massage

The honeymoon doesn’t have to end when you get home. Request gift certificates for a couple’s massage at your favorite spa. After a flight home from anywhere in ever-shrinking plane seats, a massage is perfect.

3. Case of Wine

Nothing says love like a box of cardboardeaux, right? We were thinking more along the lines of a case of bottled wine. Everyone can add to their collection, no matter their sommelier-level. As a wedding present, many cases of wine are reasonably priced. This brings us to our recommendation for your frugal guests.

4. Bottles of Wine

Guests with tighter wallets and those who like you less can share a bottle of their favorite wine. This exposes connoisseurs to new wines and sheds light on your guest’s tastes or lack thereof.

If it wasn’t for a friend who bought us a bottle of $6 organic Albero Tempranillo from Trader Joe’s, we’d never know that organic wine doesn’t give us a hangover the next day.

5. Personal Chef

Request the services of a personal chef. Personal chefs can cook a week’s worth of meals upon your honeymoon return. If you prefer, they can cook a romantic, private dinner for two or a buffet for a raucous party.

You might say, “Hey, big britches, you’re expensive!” Not so. Local culinary students want to pad their resume like a pair of Andrew Christian. Give a student an employment break and they’ll hook you up with a financial break.

6. Home Remodel

You’ll lose your gay card if you don’t currently have at least one remodel project taking place in your home. Gays put the gay in “gentrifigation”. Use your Julie Cruise Director-skills to vector gay gift givers to help with your home improvements. Whether with Home Depot or Lowes gift cards or the purchase of a particular home furnishing, let guests help increase your hood’s property values.

Make it easy to save for your own home remodel.

7. House Swap

House-swap is like wife swap, but with less drama. Yes, that’s a good thing. This idea can be interpreted two ways.

The first is to literally swap homes for a week. If you live in one city and your guests live in another, propose a house swap at no charge to each other.

The second is to take advantage of the vacation homes of guests in the disposable income class. Some of our friends have vacation homes. Normally, we’d feel uncomfortable asking to use their vacation homes before they offered. On our wedding day, we’re gonna be all, “Betch, give us your vacation home for a week!” and they’ll oblige just after they give us their best Real Housewives of Wherever slap.

8. Charitable Donations

The best part of being financially established is that we can give to others. Use your wedding to help your favorite cause. This has a three-way (oy!) benefit of making you, your guests and a stranger happy. Also, your guest’s donations are tax deductible, which helps those who want to help themselves.

9. Traditional Anniversary Gifts

Each wedding anniversary is associated with a traditional gift: paper for year one, aluminum for year ten (“Hey, here’s a Coca Cola!”) and China for year 20. There are numerous websites with gift ideas that fall into this anniversary tradition. Use these to inspire gay wedding gift ideas. For example, if we got married this year, our friends would buy us gifts of silk and linen or the modern interpretation — pearls. A pearl neckless is a gay man’s best friend.

These are our gay wedding gift ideas for established, same-sex couples rather than avocado peelers or books of baby names. Remember that it makes wedding guests uncomfortable if you don’t give gifting instructions, even if the instruction is “no gifts please,” but that’s stupid.

This article originally appeared on HuffPo June 1, 2016.

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